Split Bills Revenge

Split bills are invented to confuse and annoy waitresses. I find them twice as much work, twice as time consuming and generally makes me feel twice as busy as I really should feel on any kind of night. As a waitress I truly understand why it should just be a 'No Split Bills' policy. Unfortunately for our restaurant we have had split bills for a very long time, so sometimes enforcing this is quite difficult. But on Mother's Day this policy is fair game, no matter who you are and especially if you are the Dunks.

Me: Just letting you know that we can't do split bills tonight. We are just too busy. Sorry.
Sizzling-Lady: Why is that. You always do it.

Sorry lady, but can you seriously not see the FULL restaurant, my flustered-running-around-with-my-head-cut-off expression and the fact that I have just told you? But then should I have expected any less from you?

Me: We are busy, as you can see. Plus the kitchen will not be too happy if I did split bills either.
Sizzling-Lady: Oh. Can you just do two sets of split bills then?

This was a table of eight, originally wanting one bill per couple. Which part of 'no split bills' did they seriously not understand? Its not a negotiation. No, pretty much means no.

Me: I'm really sorry. I can't
Sizzling-Lady: You are a bit busy aren't you?

Naa, really? I just like looking like I'm busy. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. And all the people in the restaurant are just my imagination, especially the Table of 17 that failed to book.


Split bills means that you have to remember who is who, where they are sitting ,what they are ordering and what drinks you are serving them. It becomes even more fun when they are move around and change their orders throughout the night. Also they all tend to have blank expressions on their faces, which I'm sure they practice at home, when you take their dishes to them. Which means that EVERY waitresses on has to be given the low down on EVERYTHING about the table. Honestly, how hard is it for people to remember what they ordered? Is it really that difficult? Or maybe I'm just expecting WAY too much.

Then there is the infamous mis-communication when it comes to the Dunks. Which really never ceases to amaze me. I also believe that they practice this at home, with their blank expressions, before they come to the restaurant.

Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: I'd like Honey Black Pepper King Prawns.
Me: Sure, no problems.

Then Satay-Lady orders.

Satay-Lady: I want the first one on the specials board.
Me: So that's the Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns.
Satay-Lady: Yes, the one on the board.

So the Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns came out first. For once, no arguments from Satay-Lady. The the non-Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns came out.

Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: This isn't what I ordered.
Me: I'm sorry?
Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: I wanted Honey Black Pepper.
Me: That is Honey Black Pepper King Prawns
Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: [Pointing to Satay-Lady's dish] I ordered the same as her.


I was already way over my head with the amount of stuff I had to do to have to deal with this too.

1. Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady did not once point to the board to indicate that she wanted the sizzling version. It comes out non-sizzling in the regular menu. She has had this dish before, so it is not new to her.
2. No where in her attempt to order correctly did she say SIZZLING.
3. Telling me she ordered the same thing as someone who ordered AFTER her, is not exactly fair argument on her part.

Me: [Sigh] I'll just take it back and put it on a platter for you then.

She seemed quite happy with that. So, thankfully that was that. Otherwise the sizzling platter was not the only thing that would be sizzling.


Then came to paying their bill. Which in itself is just another debacle that I'm sure they practice beforehand, right after the mis-communication and the black expressions.

When writing bills, entrees go one top, then mains, followed by desserts and then the drinks are tallied right down the bottom. So when three couples order Mixed Entrees each it is written as:

3 Mix Ent                   $PRICE OF ALL THREE

Now, I'm no maths genius, but if you wanted to find the price of one, simply divide. Well, this was way too complicated for the four couples. Instead they asked for a menu and worked it out bit by every itty bitty bit. In fact one of the men decided to wait in the car because it was all too confusing for everyone. One of the other tables watched in amusement and asked why he was leaving without paying for his bill. That left the waitresses in a fit of hidden giggles.

It took the Dunks:

• two pens
• two napkins
• a menu
• a mobile phone
• and 15 whole minutes

To finally figure it all out.

 Evidence of Dunk's working out.

It also left five waitresses laughing pretty hard at Dunk's inability to remember not only what they had ordered but how much every single item costs.

For me it felt like a nice little piece of revenge. It is for all those times that they come in and expected us to know their names, their dishes, their drinks and their desires off by heart and for making eating chinese food so difficult when it is all suppose to be about sharing.

So honestly, think twice when asking for split bills because chances are it will come back and bite you on the bum one night, and trust me it will happen, every excuse that we can use.

Oh Mother! The Mother of All Nights

Mum's Day.

One of the two biggest nights of the year for our restaurant.

All hell breaks lose in the space of four and a half hours.

Every waitress skill, trick and fake smile comes out to play.

No one can predict the terror that will result.

Or the clean up that the end of the night brings.

All waitresses are told beforehand that split bills are a major no no. We should not have to deal with the pressure and situations of split bills with everything else that is going on. Also, it is not our reponsibility who pays for the bill, as long as its paid. It also ends up clogging up the kitchen when one table of eight has four different bills. And the kitchen doesn't treat to kindly on that either. (And eventually this will have its own special entry soon enough).

Turning away customers is never a completely positive things for business. Yes, its good that the restaurant is full, but bad that customers have to find new places to try and may not come back for a very long time. However, it does gives waitresses a smidge of satisfaction when we get to turn customers away for simply being stupid enough to think that there is a table just for them, sitting free, on the biggest night of the year. Did it really not occur that booking might be essential on Mother's Day?

It becomes more than just an ongoing joke when a large group of people walk in and ask if there is a table for seventeen people, without a booking, just vacant, waiting for them to sit at. Really? Seriously? They must have because they did not want to leave until they were seated. So in the end the best option that I could give them was a table that usually fits fourteen and with every spare chair that we could muster, including take away waiting chairs, and cram them together on this magic table that I had managed to piece together. Yet after all of that in total, we only had sixteen. When I asked them if this was acceptable, they pretty much jumped at it and were quite pleased to have it. (Of course a little bit later on another table had left so they did eventually have a chair each).

In total it was a delightful an adventure of a night. It went as smoothly as it could possibly have hoped to be and there was very little that could be done for all the things that didn't go right (which thankfully was very little). And to all the girls that were on tonight, it was great night, even if it felt like living hell at the time. Also, apologies as I did not sufficiently warn the girls who worked their first Mother's Day tonight, how bad it would actually be.

Here I was thinking it was going to be one of the quietest Mother's Days that I have waitressed...