Split Bills Revenge

Split bills are invented to confuse and annoy waitresses. I find them twice as much work, twice as time consuming and generally makes me feel twice as busy as I really should feel on any kind of night. As a waitress I truly understand why it should just be a 'No Split Bills' policy. Unfortunately for our restaurant we have had split bills for a very long time, so sometimes enforcing this is quite difficult. But on Mother's Day this policy is fair game, no matter who you are and especially if you are the Dunks.

Me: Just letting you know that we can't do split bills tonight. We are just too busy. Sorry.
Sizzling-Lady: Why is that. You always do it.

Sorry lady, but can you seriously not see the FULL restaurant, my flustered-running-around-with-my-head-cut-off expression and the fact that I have just told you? But then should I have expected any less from you?

Me: We are busy, as you can see. Plus the kitchen will not be too happy if I did split bills either.
Sizzling-Lady: Oh. Can you just do two sets of split bills then?

This was a table of eight, originally wanting one bill per couple. Which part of 'no split bills' did they seriously not understand? Its not a negotiation. No, pretty much means no.

Me: I'm really sorry. I can't
Sizzling-Lady: You are a bit busy aren't you?

Naa, really? I just like looking like I'm busy. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. And all the people in the restaurant are just my imagination, especially the Table of 17 that failed to book.


Split bills means that you have to remember who is who, where they are sitting ,what they are ordering and what drinks you are serving them. It becomes even more fun when they are move around and change their orders throughout the night. Also they all tend to have blank expressions on their faces, which I'm sure they practice at home, when you take their dishes to them. Which means that EVERY waitresses on has to be given the low down on EVERYTHING about the table. Honestly, how hard is it for people to remember what they ordered? Is it really that difficult? Or maybe I'm just expecting WAY too much.

Then there is the infamous mis-communication when it comes to the Dunks. Which really never ceases to amaze me. I also believe that they practice this at home, with their blank expressions, before they come to the restaurant.

Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: I'd like Honey Black Pepper King Prawns.
Me: Sure, no problems.

Then Satay-Lady orders.

Satay-Lady: I want the first one on the specials board.
Me: So that's the Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns.
Satay-Lady: Yes, the one on the board.

So the Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns came out first. For once, no arguments from Satay-Lady. The the non-Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns came out.

Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: This isn't what I ordered.
Me: I'm sorry?
Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: I wanted Honey Black Pepper.
Me: That is Honey Black Pepper King Prawns
Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: [Pointing to Satay-Lady's dish] I ordered the same as her.


I was already way over my head with the amount of stuff I had to do to have to deal with this too.

1. Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady did not once point to the board to indicate that she wanted the sizzling version. It comes out non-sizzling in the regular menu. She has had this dish before, so it is not new to her.
2. No where in her attempt to order correctly did she say SIZZLING.
3. Telling me she ordered the same thing as someone who ordered AFTER her, is not exactly fair argument on her part.

Me: [Sigh] I'll just take it back and put it on a platter for you then.

She seemed quite happy with that. So, thankfully that was that. Otherwise the sizzling platter was not the only thing that would be sizzling.


Then came to paying their bill. Which in itself is just another debacle that I'm sure they practice beforehand, right after the mis-communication and the black expressions.

When writing bills, entrees go one top, then mains, followed by desserts and then the drinks are tallied right down the bottom. So when three couples order Mixed Entrees each it is written as:

3 Mix Ent                   $PRICE OF ALL THREE

Now, I'm no maths genius, but if you wanted to find the price of one, simply divide. Well, this was way too complicated for the four couples. Instead they asked for a menu and worked it out bit by every itty bitty bit. In fact one of the men decided to wait in the car because it was all too confusing for everyone. One of the other tables watched in amusement and asked why he was leaving without paying for his bill. That left the waitresses in a fit of hidden giggles.

It took the Dunks:

• two pens
• two napkins
• a menu
• a mobile phone
• and 15 whole minutes

To finally figure it all out.

 Evidence of Dunk's working out.

It also left five waitresses laughing pretty hard at Dunk's inability to remember not only what they had ordered but how much every single item costs.

For me it felt like a nice little piece of revenge. It is for all those times that they come in and expected us to know their names, their dishes, their drinks and their desires off by heart and for making eating chinese food so difficult when it is all suppose to be about sharing.

So honestly, think twice when asking for split bills because chances are it will come back and bite you on the bum one night, and trust me it will happen, every excuse that we can use.

Skipping out on the Manners Lesson

Once again, a booking was made under the name of Dunk. I actually picked up this booking and already knew who it was by the sound of their voice. Dread came over me at this point. So I sighed (which I have been doing a lot lately) and decided there was no escaping their clutches.

Sizzling-Lady is the older sister of Satay-Lady. They are alike in attitude, which does not make it pleasant for any waitress. Sizzling-Lady seems to like to believe that the whole world revolves around her. That's right, she is one of the those people. Everything must come to her straight away when she asks for it, and she doesn't ask in a nice way either.



Sizzling-Lady orders the same thing every times she comes in to eat, which is almost once a month. For entree she will have the King Prawn Cutlets. We serve this dish with a wedge of lemon, she likes it with Sweet and Sour sauce but NEVER orders it with the sauce.

Sizzling-Lady: Where's my red sauce? [As I put down her King Prawn Cutlets].

Some nights I feel like telling her that she didn't order one with it and that it's served with a wedge of lemon so that's what she got. Of course then I know I will get this response.

Sizzling-Lady: But I always have it with the red sauce, and you should know that.

Yep, because I am a total mind-reader.

Then for her main meal she will order:

Sizzling Beef
- Little onion
- Mild
- Cut up fine.

There are so many things wrong with this order.

1. When she asks for little onion. She doesn't seem to understand that we understand what little means.

Sizzling-Lady: Little onion, like extra little. Not too much because I have a problem with lots of onion.

Then she goes on about something about her bowel movements. Oh yes. I tune out at this point because it is too much information for me. Or usually I just walk away.

2. Mild. Sizzling Beef is not a spicy dish. In fact its the opposite. Its sweet. I have no idea why she thinks that this is a spicy dish when she eats it all the time. I once tried to explain to her that this was not a spicy dish. It went something like this.

Me: Sizzling Beef isn't spicy so asking for it to be mild won't make a difference.
Sizzling-Lady: Yeah, I don't want it to be spicy.
Me: It's not a spicy dish, so you don't have say it when you are ordering it.
Sizzling-Lady: I just want the dish to be mild, extra mild.

I walked away after that. She obviously was not getting the point and it was pretty plain that she was not even listening to me. The only reason why I even bothered to try was that in case a new waitress had to take her order and got confused by what she was ordering. It was pretty much a failure.

3. The beef is already in bite size proportions. If she wants it any more finely chopped it will turn out like mince meat. The interesting thing is that I usually don't write 'cut up fine' because I think that she has it confused with the Sizzling Steak, which has much larger pieces. Not once has she EVER complained about the size of the meat.

She drinks way too much when she comes in and will walk out of the restaurant pretty drunk. A drunk Dunk. Shes not very polite and when she asks for things, its definitely not in a way that makes you really want to get it done straight away.

The one thing that confuses me the most, above all else, is that this women must be in her 60s and I wonder how she has survived in this world having an attitude like that to people, not just waitresses. It is pretty shocking and I think it is just down right rude.

This is why I feel that no matter what I do, and no matter how much I do, I do not think that she appreciates what I do. I use to put up with it, but lately I feel like I don't have to put up with people who talk to me without any manners. In fact the children who sat next to her table had more manners than she had. Sizzling-Lady could learn a thing or too from them.

Epic Satay Battle

I was waiting for dreading the clock hitting 7:30pm. Why? Because I had known for TWO days that a booking had been made by "Dunk". There are so many many stories about this group of people that usually consist of eight couples, friends and family around 50-80ish in age.

So this entry is about the one thing that started me on dreading the Dunks. Also the fact why I have lost respect for people like this in society. It started with a complaint about our Satay Chicken.

The sister of the main hostess, had decided  that she wanted Satay Chicken. No problems, it was cooked, served and nothing out of the ordinary happened with it. It was then she proceeded to pick up her Satay Chicken and take it to the bar were I was currently standing.

I've dealt with many complaints before, they range from quite understandable ones to crazy completely stupid ones. This one is my favourite to tell because it is on the outer edge of completely stupid.

"Satay Lady" decided to tell me that she did not like the Satay. Which is fine, not everyone enjoys everything. I apologised for the fact that she did not enjoy it but also told her that there was nothing wrong with it either.

She continues to complain telling me that it is in fact NOT  Satay. Here is where I start getting a little dumbfounded... NOT Satay? It clearly was and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. She explains to me that she has had Satay before from other places and that our Satay did not taste the same. I try, and believe me I truly try, to explain to her that different places do different types of Satay and no two independent restaurants will have the same flavour. She of course, does not accept this logical explanation.

By this time I am annoyed by her complaint stupidity and her inability to even comprehend what I am trying to tell her. I keep my cool for as long as I can and then tell her once again that I apologise (which at this point I do not really mean at all) that she didn't like the dish. She now decides to tell me that she does not want to pay for something that she does not like. I refuse to let her off as once again there is nothing wrong with the dish and that it was just the fact that she, personally, did not like it. I also tell her that in fact Satay is among one of the most popular dishes on the menu and which in fact is still true.

And here is the kicker for me. She then tells me that maybe my customers do not like it either. So does that explain the fact that its a popular dish? Once again, lady, not listening to me. I tell her once again that a lot of people order it and re-order it quite often. Apparently in her head and she also voices this out aloud, that my customers do not tell me that they do not like the Satay. Oh yes, that also explains why they continue to buy it right?

By this time, I've had enough. I'm not angry or annoyed anymore. I'm just tired exhausted by this lady's explanation. Her reasoning was ridiculous and unbelievable. If it was me I would have just looked at her dumbfounded because I think its the only way to fight stupidity.

In conclusion of this epic argument over Satay my boss lets her off by replacing the meal. If it was me, I would have fought tooth and nail. The one thing that I really cannot believe about this battle is that she thought she had the right to claim insult all the my other customers by claiming that they proceed to order a dish that they do not like over and over again. Lady has complete logic, complete.

After making a fool of herself, the whole table of course at the end of it is quite embarrassed by Satay Lady's show, she now still comes in regularly with the group. And let me tell you, I have not let her live it down since then. If you want to insult my customers to fight you're own personal battles I don't particular think you deserve my utmost attention.

So this is what I have learnt as a waitress to such insane complaints.

1. All  restaurants will not cook food exactly the same to suit your needs.
2. Disliking a dish, which has no problems with it, does not mean you get a free dish.
3. You are embarrassing yourself, even your table party are pretending they don't know you.
4. Do not insult other customers claiming that they continue to order the same dish to torture themselves.
5. If you wish to come back and be treated with perfect waitress hospitality causing a scene over Satay Chicken will probably not achieve that.