Split Bills Revenge

Split bills are invented to confuse and annoy waitresses. I find them twice as much work, twice as time consuming and generally makes me feel twice as busy as I really should feel on any kind of night. As a waitress I truly understand why it should just be a 'No Split Bills' policy. Unfortunately for our restaurant we have had split bills for a very long time, so sometimes enforcing this is quite difficult. But on Mother's Day this policy is fair game, no matter who you are and especially if you are the Dunks.

Me: Just letting you know that we can't do split bills tonight. We are just too busy. Sorry.
Sizzling-Lady: Why is that. You always do it.

Sorry lady, but can you seriously not see the FULL restaurant, my flustered-running-around-with-my-head-cut-off expression and the fact that I have just told you? But then should I have expected any less from you?

Me: We are busy, as you can see. Plus the kitchen will not be too happy if I did split bills either.
Sizzling-Lady: Oh. Can you just do two sets of split bills then?

This was a table of eight, originally wanting one bill per couple. Which part of 'no split bills' did they seriously not understand? Its not a negotiation. No, pretty much means no.

Me: I'm really sorry. I can't
Sizzling-Lady: You are a bit busy aren't you?

Naa, really? I just like looking like I'm busy. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. And all the people in the restaurant are just my imagination, especially the Table of 17 that failed to book.


Split bills means that you have to remember who is who, where they are sitting ,what they are ordering and what drinks you are serving them. It becomes even more fun when they are move around and change their orders throughout the night. Also they all tend to have blank expressions on their faces, which I'm sure they practice at home, when you take their dishes to them. Which means that EVERY waitresses on has to be given the low down on EVERYTHING about the table. Honestly, how hard is it for people to remember what they ordered? Is it really that difficult? Or maybe I'm just expecting WAY too much.

Then there is the infamous mis-communication when it comes to the Dunks. Which really never ceases to amaze me. I also believe that they practice this at home, with their blank expressions, before they come to the restaurant.

Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: I'd like Honey Black Pepper King Prawns.
Me: Sure, no problems.

Then Satay-Lady orders.

Satay-Lady: I want the first one on the specials board.
Me: So that's the Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns.
Satay-Lady: Yes, the one on the board.

So the Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns came out first. For once, no arguments from Satay-Lady. The the non-Sizzling Honey Black Pepper King Prawns came out.

Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: This isn't what I ordered.
Me: I'm sorry?
Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: I wanted Honey Black Pepper.
Me: That is Honey Black Pepper King Prawns
Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady: [Pointing to Satay-Lady's dish] I ordered the same as her.


I was already way over my head with the amount of stuff I had to do to have to deal with this too.

1. Honey-Black-Pepper-Lady did not once point to the board to indicate that she wanted the sizzling version. It comes out non-sizzling in the regular menu. She has had this dish before, so it is not new to her.
2. No where in her attempt to order correctly did she say SIZZLING.
3. Telling me she ordered the same thing as someone who ordered AFTER her, is not exactly fair argument on her part.

Me: [Sigh] I'll just take it back and put it on a platter for you then.

She seemed quite happy with that. So, thankfully that was that. Otherwise the sizzling platter was not the only thing that would be sizzling.


Then came to paying their bill. Which in itself is just another debacle that I'm sure they practice beforehand, right after the mis-communication and the black expressions.

When writing bills, entrees go one top, then mains, followed by desserts and then the drinks are tallied right down the bottom. So when three couples order Mixed Entrees each it is written as:

3 Mix Ent                   $PRICE OF ALL THREE

Now, I'm no maths genius, but if you wanted to find the price of one, simply divide. Well, this was way too complicated for the four couples. Instead they asked for a menu and worked it out bit by every itty bitty bit. In fact one of the men decided to wait in the car because it was all too confusing for everyone. One of the other tables watched in amusement and asked why he was leaving without paying for his bill. That left the waitresses in a fit of hidden giggles.

It took the Dunks:

• two pens
• two napkins
• a menu
• a mobile phone
• and 15 whole minutes

To finally figure it all out.

 Evidence of Dunk's working out.

It also left five waitresses laughing pretty hard at Dunk's inability to remember not only what they had ordered but how much every single item costs.

For me it felt like a nice little piece of revenge. It is for all those times that they come in and expected us to know their names, their dishes, their drinks and their desires off by heart and for making eating chinese food so difficult when it is all suppose to be about sharing.

So honestly, think twice when asking for split bills because chances are it will come back and bite you on the bum one night, and trust me it will happen, every excuse that we can use.

Oh Mother! The Mother of All Nights

Mum's Day.

One of the two biggest nights of the year for our restaurant.

All hell breaks lose in the space of four and a half hours.

Every waitress skill, trick and fake smile comes out to play.

No one can predict the terror that will result.

Or the clean up that the end of the night brings.

All waitresses are told beforehand that split bills are a major no no. We should not have to deal with the pressure and situations of split bills with everything else that is going on. Also, it is not our reponsibility who pays for the bill, as long as its paid. It also ends up clogging up the kitchen when one table of eight has four different bills. And the kitchen doesn't treat to kindly on that either. (And eventually this will have its own special entry soon enough).

Turning away customers is never a completely positive things for business. Yes, its good that the restaurant is full, but bad that customers have to find new places to try and may not come back for a very long time. However, it does gives waitresses a smidge of satisfaction when we get to turn customers away for simply being stupid enough to think that there is a table just for them, sitting free, on the biggest night of the year. Did it really not occur that booking might be essential on Mother's Day?

It becomes more than just an ongoing joke when a large group of people walk in and ask if there is a table for seventeen people, without a booking, just vacant, waiting for them to sit at. Really? Seriously? They must have because they did not want to leave until they were seated. So in the end the best option that I could give them was a table that usually fits fourteen and with every spare chair that we could muster, including take away waiting chairs, and cram them together on this magic table that I had managed to piece together. Yet after all of that in total, we only had sixteen. When I asked them if this was acceptable, they pretty much jumped at it and were quite pleased to have it. (Of course a little bit later on another table had left so they did eventually have a chair each).

In total it was a delightful an adventure of a night. It went as smoothly as it could possibly have hoped to be and there was very little that could be done for all the things that didn't go right (which thankfully was very little). And to all the girls that were on tonight, it was great night, even if it felt like living hell at the time. Also, apologies as I did not sufficiently warn the girls who worked their first Mother's Day tonight, how bad it would actually be.

Here I was thinking it was going to be one of the quietest Mother's Days that I have waitressed...

Tales of an Eccentric Boss #3

Tales of an Eccentric Boss #2:

Blind, Deaf and Slightly Lost  

There's something about the way that my boss reads dockets. You always wait in anticipation to see if he will read it right and sigh knowingly when he produces dishes that are wrong. He can go through a long streak of winners, he will be on the ball and not get anything wrong. But then in an instant, all in one night, he will get two to three dishes wrong. All simply because he did not read the docket clearly enough.

A prime example of this was when he tried to tell one of the waitresses that she was writing a certain short-hand wrong. This waitress had been working there for almost two years and he had read her short-hand for as long as that and all of a sudden he did one of the items wrong because she wrote it differently then usual. The truth was that he thought she had written it differently that night when clearly she had been writing the same thing for two years, since her training. 

Then of course the big problem is when you get the really picky customers who take everything out and put everything of a different kind in. That's when it gets really confusing and lost. The best way to tackle this so that my boss will get it right is a simple five step plan.

1. Read the docket slowly and clearly to him.
2. Have him repeat back what you have just read to him.
3. Watch that he puts the right things in the dish and that it is cooked right.
4. Ask again what is in the dish to make sure that it is right.
5. Inspect the dish to make sure that it is completely and utterly right.

If these steps are followed correctly then hopefully, you will have a lovely dish with no mistakes.

Then again I suppose all of this makes work an adventure, a little more interesting as well as making you want to hit yourself on the forehead. So whenever I train any new waitresses I always tell them to write clearly, speak clearly and be clear about everything because our boss is a little blind, a bit deaf and always always that little bit slightly lost.

Replying to those Lovely Lovely Comments

(From  'Don't Force Your Money on the Waitresses Please.')

CommonWaitress...

 I have to say that it must be pretty lucky to feel like people will bribe you with tips if you take their money. Its one of those things that you would gladly be a part of if it wasn't about paying the bill. And then it makes you look greedy, can't win.

Purplegirl...

I think I'm going to use that technique more. It seems like the only way to handle it the best way without actually offending anyone.

Don't Force Your Money Upon the Waitress Please.

I have learned a lot about patience, stupidity and manners during my time as a waitress. Patience, I think is the most important because that teaches one to tolerate all sorts of weird and wonderful people. However, there is one thing that I don't really have patience for or can tolerate very well.

I absolutely dislike being caught up in the middle of the common argument of "Who Pays The Bill". This is usually extremely annoying and frustrating when two customers, Bill-Fighters, come up at the same time and force their money or credit cards at you. Whilst it is nice to have money forced upon me (who wouldn't?) its the problem of the waitress becoming the judge.

How do you choose? Who do you choose? And how can you do so without offending the other party. Really, there's no simple answer. In the end no matter who you choose, if both Bill-Fighters do not give up, you end up with a pretty lousy time deciding whose money to take.

It should be an easy thing. Paying the bill at the end of the night should be the most non stressful thing that a waitress should so all night. Waitresses are not trained to handle stupid situations like this, and to be quite honest, nor should we really. Its not in our jurisdiction.

Most of the time I smile and wait till the Bill-Fighters have had their battle and come to an agreement. I have had one particular Bill-Fighter tell me that I was rude simply because I told them to sort it between THREE Bill-Fighters and let me know who would be ultimately paying. I have also been given the evil look by a Bill-Fighter because I chose to accept the alternate Bill-Fighter's cash rather than the credit card for simplicities sake.

Bill-Payers should fight or decide without involving a waitress. After all we can't win no matter what we choose. It is an awkward position that I still do not really know how to handle with 100% confidence. So I think it would easier if all Bill-Fighters could decide before they pay the bill.

Customer Appreciation vs. Leftover Change.

Tips are not a regular occurrence at my workplace. This is probably because we are more fast food than fine dinning and also because I reside in a land where the 10% tip gets ignored constantly. I don't hope for tips, they are just nice to receive and makes you feel appreciated for the job that you did. However, my policy is that as long as the customer is nice, courteous and not an outright meany, I'm quite happy for that to be my tip of table. Though, cash, undeniably, is always a good.

So here is the setting of one not so ordinary Saturday night.

• Fifty person reservation. (Our tiny restaurant only holds a total of fifty-five, uncomfortably).
• A grand numbered birthday party.
• Lots of kids of walking/toddling age. (Can already see the dilemmas there).
• Some pre-ordered set menu meals, approximately five separate meals.
• Each person paid for drinks as they went, separately.
• Each person had to pay their own amount via the hostess.
• Guests would not sit down so therefore giving out meals was difficult.
• Maneuvering around guests to get to tables was pretty much impossible.
• A lot of 'excuse me' and 'please' from the waitressing staff.
• Only appreciation was from the two hostess, every other guest just thought that we were in the way.

Everything had run pretty smooth, in spite of the chaos, until we got to the end of the night where payment was due. While I have the utmost respect for the Hostess; she did a brilliant job in organising people and payment at the end of the night, it was the other guests that I felt were rude and selfish.

There were a lot of guests drinking alcohol that they had brought in themselves. This was fine, and a very cheap corkage fee was charged per person who consumed the alcohol. I let the Hostess deal with this after explaining it to her and she seemed to understand the situation.

When she had come to pay she had forgotten, not deliberately, about the corkage issue. I told her the waitress had counted about fifteen individuals consuming alcohol. Before she even got a chance to answer her husband, who was one of those consuming the alcohol spoke quite forcefully.

Hostess'-Rude-Husband: I don't think there was that many people.
Me: Well, sir, the waitress had kept an eye out and there was that many counted between them.
Hostess'-Rude-Husband [in an agressive manner]: I don't think so. There is no way there was that many people drinking.

Did Hostess'-Rude-Husband count them? Because I don't think he did, he was busy drinking with them.

While we may have been slightly off in numbers due to people moving about there was a least ten or more people drinking. Then all of a sudden everyone was interested in money. Everyone had something to say, over the top of the hostess. She tried quietly at one point to tell me gently that we should count the numbers. Then all of a sudden one of the ladies decided to speak loudly to me.

Ungrateful-Lady: We left them a big tip. If they want to count that many people then they can take it out of their tips.

Are you kidding me?

This made me angry and dumbfounded. Yes, tips are usually founded on what is leftover from the whole number. However, after working a whole night, dodging and running around fifty people. It would have been thoughtful that a deliberate and nice tip was left. Not some snotty leftovers. It felt like despite the hard work and effort to ensure everyone had a good time, it was only worth the change.

Corkage is cheap, in fact its so cheap that any pocket change could pay for it. It is not about how much tip is 'left over' to us in the end because it doesn't really matter to the whole total, its the procedure. I have to write down how much corkage there is and charge accordingly so that my boss knows what was going on. Putting a few less corkage does not really change my tip situation at all, it is no advantage to anyone.

Finally the amount of corkage charged was settled. The hostess had a list of people and we went through it quickly checking them. Whilst it did not really settle my mind, it was better than nothing, and the hostess had not been aggressive nor uncooperative.

In fact, the guests had somehow manage to sneak in bottles of soft drink into the restaurant whilst we had a large range in our fridge. Due to the chaos, we didn't know until later when we were cleaning up. Otherwise I would have charged them our price of soft drink and fight that down tooth and nail with Hostess'-Rude-Husband and Ungrateful-Lady.

Lesson from the night? Big party functions are messy. There is no way to have one that is straight forward and follow the rules. So next time there is corkage involved, there will definitely be a better system in place.

They left an approximate tip of $10 for fifty people with a bill total of approximately $500.
The next night I got a $20 tip from a group of twelve people of a bill less than $200. (With very little hassle and very little 'extra attention' given).

The figures pretty much speak for themselves. And that's the difference between customer's appreciation to service and leftover change.